May 14 is a date on the calendar that reminds our family that life would never be the same. That particular year, May 14, was Mother’s Day. I found out that Lyn had lung to brain metastatic melanoma cancer 12 hours before she found out. The doctor pulled me into a side room to break the news to me, but also wanted to ask if she should wait to tell Lyn until the next morning, since it was Mother’s Day. As I think back, that was such a caring act of the doctor, and I am thankful we held the tragic diagnosis. There was no point in breaking the devastating diagnosis at 10:30 PM on Mother’s Day.
Since that day, so much has transpired in life. In 2019 Lyn passed away, and this blog emerged. Writing about this journey has been an honor, and a way to carry on Lyn’s legacy.
While it has been an honor to write, this is article 49, and it will likely be my last post for This Side of Sunshine. When I began writing in 2019, I had 150 possible topics. Some topics were too personal to post, and while I wrote the articles, I decided not to release them. I decided to keep those thoughts and memories to myself. Some topics were combined and covered with other topics. And some topics no longer flowed within the chronology of other posts.
After she passed, my daughter and I wanted to fulfil Lyn’s wish to write about her life, treatment, and journey. I wrote my first article, called, “This Side of Sunshine,” which simply introduced the blog. At first, I was a bit unclear about what I wanted to share, or even the depth of details, however, after determining the name, and working out topics and outlines, I could clearly see the direction.
As years have gone on, time between articles has been more spaced simply because what I sought out to do was nearly complete. Why end at number 49? Lyn was stricken with cancer when she was 49, so I found it fitting to end on this number. But again, and most importantly, this blog has accomplished what I sought out to do, and I know she would be pleased that her story has spoken to many going through a rough situation or journey.
During her battle Lyn repeatedly said, “I don’t want to waste my cancer.” And she didn’t! As previously noted, it was Lyn that wanted to write something together, but life was too complicated and chaotic during her treatment. But Lyn wanted to make a difference in this world and impact lives, and she thought writing about her journey, experiences, treatment, and maneuvering through uncertainty might help others that are working through their battle.
She desired to show others that despite her serious disease, and the survival odds, she could still live with happiness, purpose, and joy. She wanted to tell others that the joy she had in life was because she had so many blessings despite her disease. She wanted to share that she had a wonderful family, deep friendships, and a thriving relationship with God. She lived as normally as possible, and never once complained about the rough road of battling cancer.
However, during my writing, I discovered that what started off as writing to share Lyn’s story and journey, quickly served two purposes. As I shared about her life, cancer treatment, and what we learned along the way, I discovered that this was also helping me work through grief. I have written and told many people that there is no shortcut through grief. There is no timetable to work through grief. And my personal belief is that there is a lack of healing, moving forward, and personal growth until one works through grief. I believe it’s difficult for a person to move forward to the beauty and fullness that life can offer without working through this process.
However, when I write, “work through grief,” I do not imply that it will be the end of grief. I am a believer that when there is deep loss of anything, it’s possible, and likely that grief will last for a very long time, if not for a lifetime. But, again, these are my thoughts, and my personal journey. I never want to assert that my journey is like anyone else’s journey.
Speaking personally, while I believe there will always be a bit of heartache and grief, my grief has diminished as the years have passed. Early on in writing this blog, a retired counselor told me that I was doing one of the most important things to work through grief, but unfortunately most men will not do what I was doing—writing out my thoughts. Sharing about my struggles, pain, grief, and loss has been important in my healing process.
While Lyn is on the other side of sunshine, our life as a family had to continue on this side of sunshine. In fact, all of us have to continue despite the losses we endure. Death is painful. When we experience the death of a loved one, a coworker, or a pet, we cry, mourn, and grieve. It is sad, because it is permanent. We have lost something irreplaceable.
Over the years I have had many ask if I could turn back time, would I. My answer is, “absolutely not!” I never want to live in the past. Additionally, living in the past only prevents growth and healing. Lastly, I would never want to go through that painful journey again.
Yes, as stated, as a family we lost a person that was priceless and irreplaceable to us, but we have also had so many unexpected and incredible things unfold. I had an amazing life in the past, but I also have an incredible life now! I remarried a number of years ago, and my spouse, Rose, is simply amazing.
Because of Rose, I have an expanded family that is beyond fantastic. My wife has been supportive and understanding, and I have learned many things from her due to the loss and grief she has also experienced. Three things we believe, and have talked about many times:
- Love is an unbreakable bond that does not end upon death or distance
- It’s okay to acknowledge the pain of loss, to grieve, and to tell stories of the person we lost
- It’s okay to honor and remember the loved one we lost, but at the same time, to be thankful for this new life we are experiencing.
Enjoying my current life does not minimize my unbreakable bond with Lyn or eliminate 30+ years of memories. Because of Lyn, we had three amazing children, and because of these three children, Rose and I have experienced the joy of becoming grandparents! We are blessed to be grandparents of these little ones, and we are enjoying life! While Lyn is gone, she is still a part of our ongoing story. Rose and I (and our blended family) are writing new chapters that are exciting and fun.
For those going through difficult times in life, or working through grief, your journey is your journey. I have talked with many over the years that wonder why they cannot work through their grief. But when I dive deeper, what they mean is, “Why can’t I eliminate grief completely.” Once I start understanding their journey, they recognize that they have actually worked through grief, and while a bit of pain remains, time has helped them heal. They come to their own realization that a bit of grief may still remain, and that is normal.
My message to them is to continue to share their story with others about what or who they have lost. Sharing our story not only helps us, but it also helps others. This is exactly why Lyn wanted to share her story. She cared about people and wanted to help others understand that while they may be going through suffering and pain, you can still live an incredible life!
The feedback from my articles, and those that have continued to reach out with a funny story about Lyn, or the impact she left makes me realize that she left a memorable legacy. Those lives she touched can take those good things they learned or observed and incorporate them into their life. We all have this possible impact!
I hope as you have read, you have been impacted by Lyn’s life, story, and perhaps something I shared. I also want to leave you with my top five articles. All of them are important to me and narrowing them to five was difficult.
- Blog 14 – Choosing the Type of Life you Want to Live: I had to decide if I wanted to live out my days and merely exist, or if I wanted to move forward in life, and enjoy all that life offers. I made choices to be happy, have joy, get married, enjoy family, travel, and have fun! It is okay to laugh, have fun, and love again after loss.
- Blog 23 – Connecting With Others Through Our Story: We all have a story. I love to sit and listen to the stories of people, with the hope of being able to connect, if even only for a few minutes. Since I have started to pay attention to the world around me, I have had hundreds of conversations to share my story, my hope, and my blog. My life has been enriched as I have taken the time to get to know others and hear their stories
- Blog 37 – Joy Comes in the Morning: I have spoken with hundreds of people through the years about loss and grief. Those early on in their grief wonder if they will ever feel better, or what the new normal will feel like. There is a Bible verse that says, the “…weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30 v. 5). Given time, you will feel better. It is a journey that takes time, and there is no set timetable.
- Blog 43 – The Puzzle Pieces of Life: Life is like a puzzle, and those pieces of the puzzle are not given to us until it is time to put it in place. A puzzle makes no sense and has no beauty until the picture starts to emerge. Wherever you are on your journey, those puzzle pieces will appear at just the right moment, and a new picture will emerge. I would never have dreamt that life would have unfolded as it has for me and my family.
- Blog 48 – When Hope and Reality Collide: Many times, friends and family want to live only in the hope side of life, and this is perfectly natural. They want the best for their loved one and want to give them hope. This is also beautiful, because they love and care about their friend and loved one. However, speaking from personal experience, focusing on both hope and reality are needed because those that focus only on the hope side of things try and block out the real possibility that something horrible may happen. Not living in reality only creates stress, anxiety, and fear. In all likelihood, the person going through treatment has questions, and sometimes talking about what is happening brings a level of peace.
As I close this chapter in life, I want to thank those that loved our family over the years. Your love and support helped our family work through truly difficult times. Additionally, thank you for your encouraging words about my articles. I loved hearing about how a particular article helped you work through something. Lyn would be especially thankful.
Those that are going through rough times, I can say that as you work through grief, you will heal. As you continue to heal, those feelings of sadness are replaced with new great memories as you move forward in life.
Blessings and love.